Sadness

Today I would like to address some issues that have been traveling through my head lately. The more time goes by, the deeper I fall for Aylen. That said, it does get difficult when I see that she is clearly bothered but there is nothing i can do about it. It goes against my nature to not try to help. Perhaps at times i should take a page from my own advice book and use the serenity prayer.There are somethings I can not fix, no matter how hard i try. All I can do is try to pull us through. There are many things about Aylen's past that just make me cringe at times.I am amazed that she is even functional with some of the things she has told me. Her life is so different now from those days, I hope for the better. I know our relationship is not always roses, no relationship is, especially in our type of relationship. There are things that bother me too. One of the things that gets me is to be accused of not caring, when I know I do. I am passionate about most things in my life. That is why I feel I do well at my job, I have the caring touch, so I believe. Now then, I do not mind being accused of not caring when i truly do not, but it is when I do that it gets to me. I do not think Aylen realizes that it bothers me, and most of the time, it does not. However, I have never considered myself as cold or heartless, despite what others have said. She will say it does not matter and that gets me even more. it feels as if she is saying "you do not care what i think, so what is the point?" It could not be further from the truth though.. As I tried to explain in my blog before, I do seek the input of my girl, though it is my decision ultimately, I do value what is said, even if I do not always agree with it. I believe both Aylen and I are both feeling the pinch from various things, the holiday being the biggest one and things associated around it. Keep in mind as you are reading this that this is not a poor me kind of story, just a recounting of the factors I have faced in my life. One thing I do not discuss much is my holiday experience. Being an only child made things tougher then most would realize. We moved to Tennessee when I was 10. I was an outsider in a very cliquish society. Being a fat kid, I had very few friends. The last 8 years of my father's life, I watched my father manipulate my mother and I, and watched my father drink himself to death. He was, as he put it, "self medicating". I have learned that is common among Vietnam vets, but some of the things I have seen shows that my father had a history of strange behavior prior to Vietnam.Vietnam just sealed the deal.To say my father was anti social would be an understatement. I believe that he was socially inept and was fortunate on a few things. Some of my Christmases were happy, and i did have some friends, but many of them ended up taking advantage of me. This is why I believe I became one of the family with the seeders in 1995. The seeders have given me a family and the family contact i had always yearned for. I recall Christmas of 92. That was 3 weeks before my father passed away. My mother and I got him things, and he was quite conscious, yet he had real problems getting around. I knew he was close to the end of his life at this point, my mother however, I believe was in denial. She did not wish to see the obvious. My father made my mother promise that she would not send him to the hospital. I began to see how sick he was, but at the time, my father was so difficult to be around that I needed some relief as well. He always used to say to my mom, you can't push a rope. My father was resigned to his own death, and my mother was in heavy mental conflict because she was a nurse. Thinking back, it had to be really hard on my mother, though, again I do not believe my mother realized the full gravity of the situation. The Morning of Jan 15Th, 1993, I had gone to bed at 3 am. At 8 am, my mother awakened me to help my father to the restroom. She had to go to work and could not be late. I remember being crabby because of the lack of sleep and knowing I had a concert that night. My mother went on to work and I tried using all my strength to help my father to the restroom. He was just a dead weight and would not work with me. it was not until later that I found out it was because he physically could not. He ended up lying on the floor, and, unable to control his bowels anymore, shat on the floor. It was at that point that I called the ambulance. I called first then hung up before 911 answered. Caller id was unheard of, however ems had it. They called me back and asked if i needed assistance, and I said "yes, I guess I do" when the ambulance was on it's way, 2 things happened. 1 my mother called from work to ask if things were OK and I stated, I have called an ambulance for dad. The second notable event to happen was that I had sensed this very well might be the end. I apologized to my father for everything and asked for his forgiveness, to which he answered, No. My father, according to the ambulance , had a blood volume of 9, ( it should be between 40-50) and he was losing a lot of blood internally and had what are called esophageal verecies (sp) and that he was coughing up blood horribly. When he passed that night, I was in a state of great sadness, and relief that the whole ordeal was finally over. That will for a long time be how i associate the holiday.On the wow front, our little guild is growing.There is a problem we have with one of the members though. He is a healer that does not seem to get it. we have given him all the tools he needs to get better, but it seems he doesn't grasp the concept. I have worried about his future in the guild. Tough, even if he leaves, I feel he will always be a part. I can't see us kicking him, but I certainly cant run with him after the debacle that happened the other day. as far as raiding for me, at times I get tired of running with a run I know will fail, especially since they treat others from our guild with a lack of respect. mind you these were former guildies of them anyway, as am I, but still, it is not right. I am anxious to see if I really can pump out the dps that I think I can. Aylen's shadow priest is becoming quite well geared as well. she has a lot of potential, and Aylen knows how to play her well. Unlike Butchie, when I gave her the info, she took the ball and ran with it. I can't wait to see her full potential too, when she raids with me.. I think it would be fun and maybe she would not dread raid night so much. Other then that, there is not too much else going on other then the holiday, so I will write more, later.
LN

random thoughts of a Master

First of all a wow update. Thanks to My Aylen, I have a new set of wonderful bracers that are rated #2 in druid dps. (though they are cloth and druids can wear leather.) The did not come cheaply, nor did the pattern that aylen used to make them, but they are amazing. We have started assembling more a guild and making it in the sort of fashion we desire. a drama - free, no bs guild where we like to have fun. an ideal situation. Admittedly, I was not really sure what I thought of leading a guild at first. With power comes responsibility, and with responsibility, there may be aggression or ill feelings. I have already had such feelings expressed when a member of our guild (now former member) was removed because quite frankly, I saw him as a dumbass. Whereas I know that dumb asses run rampant in wow, that does not mean I wish them in my guild.The good side to this is simply that. I do not have to have people in my guild that I do not like, nor do I need a reason to take them off the guild roster.Secondly, aylen and I just celebrated our first thanksgiving together, and I believe that it will be the first in a long string. We went to eat with my friends, and aylen seemed to bond with Joe's parents quite well. got us invited to a hockey game so I believe this would be Good thing for aylen to help her get out of the house and get other social interaction.. not like she did not have that before me, mind you, but i am sure at times she must be getting a bit stir crazy.Lastly, In the constant battle I have always faced with my weight, I have found myself slowly creeping up to what I once was. There are many factors of this involved, the biggest being the fact that I eat consistently, and aylen is a good cook. lol. That said it is something we both battle now. It has been a very cold and wet year so that has made it difficult to go out and do the outdoors type of stuff I love to do. On top of depressing me, it is not conducive of doing things. The first time I went through this, I started doing a lot of exercise, namingly one, dance dance revolution. since then, I have had notoriously bad luck with the pads breaking (having paid several hundred dollars for them) and it is not good on joints. I did obtain a bike before aylen arrived, so I came up with the idea that I could get an indoor bicycle trainer, something that would make the bike stationary yet still provide resistance. Lastly, and I am doing this on the second, there is something i have recently encountered that I had not anticipated. You see? all my life I have been competitive. I have always felt that anyone that was trying to impress me, or to show me that they listened, I had always saw it as a challenge. thus, the feelings show as unimpressible and now that I mention it, i suppose a level of breaking down one's self esteem. I am of the feeling now, with aylen at least that there is not truly a competition, because she is on my side, behind me, *in my camp* so to speak. so I suppose I have decided that it is more important to me, to have my girl with me by my side then not have her there, feeling alienated because it causes her master stress.