reflections

today is the 11 month anniversary of me and aylen's relationship. I honestly can say I never thought it would get to this stage. I am very pleased to see it. While in the car today, I started thinking about it, and realized my longest relationships were ones where I was not around the person much. Almost as if those would have failed much sooner. Aylen made the comment "but they were not slaves" yes, I told her, that is true, but I do not even go on that thought. I know that we are both in this relationship because we choose to be, not because of any lifestyle. What she may not realize is that there is more to that statement then she realizes.the truth of the matter is, in any relationship, m/s or otherwise, if the people do not get along, the relationship wont last long. whereas it maybe true from a slave point of view that she is bound to me (puns intended, lol), If I did not care for her, love her, enjoy her company, etc, she would not still be here. Now then , that said, from a human point of view, I love her very much and I could care less what we are doing, but i genuinely love spending time with her. why would anyone be in a relationship with someone they were not passionate about? a reasonable question. Unfortunately, I have heard that as the scenario around me as of late. I refuse to do so. I refuse to be in a relationship that is just lukewarm. It is not how I operate. It is a life choice I made a long time ago. I refuse to stay anywhere where I am passionless or emotionless. That is why to me that the statement that aylen and i have been together for 11 months is profound to me. Any issues that have come up I believe that we have already addressed, and what there is left is a loving and caring relationship that is fun to be in and enjoy. It may be far from perfect, but I think it is wonderful. I feel that the future holds wonderful things.*smiles*
happy anniversary my love,
Spencer

life is good!

the time rolls on, and it is time for another blog. I must admit it never ceases to amaze me the level things have reached. So many things aylen says or does just makes me smile. or the things i say are sometimes peppered with things she says. sadly though, it kills me when she assumes the worst. It is not easy, i know to change some one's frame of mind after so many years. I suppose when you have been conditioned a certain way your entire life that you always assume the worst. I shall, however, to continue to show her differently. she will not get away from me that easily. I plan on having her around for a very long time.on a different front, I have long anticipated 2 things. 1 the weather changing from cold back warm, and clash of the titans opening! I had wondered how epic the movie would be if it were done in modern day movie making. we shall find out tomorrow. since my last post, they have announced blizzcon in Anaheim, and aylen and I are planning on going.. I look forward to the road trip. it will be fun to make the drive again. we are driving instead of flying. It will definitely be an adventure. on that note, I am going to conclude this one. there is not too much to say here, just that I am in love with a wonderful woman and that I am happy. 'nuff said.

The Call.
over the weekend, aylen and I received a special call. I was not here to get it unfortunately, but aylen was. It was from our friend in basic training. he became a friend through wow, and kind of grew on us. lol. he is the youngest in the guild, well sort of, at the age of 22. Then today, it hit me, he would have had to been born in 1988. I started remembering all the things that happened in 88, where i was, cars, music, movies, and I thought, wow, that seems like so recently. It does scare me that he may go to war, and may never come back. We do not like to think of that ever happening, but it could certainly happen. I will say that when i first met Aaron, I had no idea I would be with aylen. I met her after meeting Aaron in game. all that said, the 15Th marked the 10 month anniversary of me and my love. With her, the time has seemingly gone by so fast. I consider it extraordinary that we have survived each other so well. I can tell you I am certainly not the easiest person to deal with all times. Yes I know an understatement. lol. Her nature is at times very curious to me. she can go from being so harsh to most to being so loving. It is wonderful. I feel as if sometimes she understands me better then I understand myself. she seems to know when to push the limits, and when to back off. In a lot of ways, I suppose we both do that. That ability does not come from being well trained as a kajira, it comes from having our hearts intertwined and beating together. I have thought of it like this. 2 hearts on a parallel path, moving along. Now then things can happen along the way, that is life. It is how you deal with the bumps along the way that helps to get the hearts closer together. If both hearts are receptive, the hearts grow together, getting stronger with every beat. Then, the miraculous happens, if one heart hurts, they both do. If you would have told me that aylen and I would have been so compatible, I would not have believed you. I am , however, very glad we are. I love her, in all of her silly times, and even serious times. I know that no matter the obstacle, we can pull through together. We have recently seen a few movies, we managed to get all 3 pirates of the Caribbean, and I can say I did not expect that ending. we also saw the the da vinci code, and the things they said were things I had heard on the history channel. It would seem that no matter the movie, aylen and I just genuinely enjoy each other's company. A good thing too eh? Anyway, that is all that is currently on my mind, and until next time, be well


Spencer

Pressure

pressure.*starts humming billy Joel* I must say I have felt like the weight of the world has been dumped on my shoulders as of late. My only solace in all of this is my heart, aylen has been there for me to help me pull through. Honestly I am not sure what i would have done without her bringing me back to reality when i get too far gone. I can tell you I have stopped worrying about my mother, what ever will be will be. However, I have something new to worry about. I have become increasingly paranoid about my job performance reviews. It is something i plan on addressing with my supervisor on monday. I have apparently been graded on a few bad calls, and I am becoming fearful if I will lose my job over it. Honestly I do not think it will go that far, but i feel as if i have a target on my back. I feel almost afraid to answer the phone for fear of another bad report. Now, mind you, that is no way to go through life worried about such, but I sometimes feel if my "judge" is being a bit too overzealous at times. Another thing that has caused my stress this weekend was my dedicated queue that I am in. We had a Major plan recently go with what is known as the mchoice plan, which is basically a mandatory mail order plan with the option of getting the rx at a local cvs pharmacy. The problem with that is, if the person does not have a cvs around them, they are sol. that can be very stressful to me at times. Ok so I know this blog is late. I have learned much of myself in these past few days. 1, I love seeing movies with aylen. it is always a good time for us I feel. I have seen quite a few lately, too many to mention, but all good. I have also come to realize that my feelings put me in an odd position at times. Recently, Aylen pulled a muscle in her neck. I never realized how seeing her in so much pain bothered me. It just kills me, because I do not like to see anything in pain, it is truly not my style. The feelings I have are so much deeper for her then anyone else I have ever encountered. I would hate to think if anything serious ever happened to her. I would be devastated. I suppose I just have to cross my fingers that something catastrophic does not happen like that. Her luck has held out so far, let us hope it continues on it's path. I said I could not mention the movies, but I will mention the one from today. Aylen and I got t see alice in wonderland. We were admittedly a bit puzzled when we saw the movie was directed by tim burton and a disney movie to boot. for those that do not know, those 2 things are something I never anticipated seeing. It was actually really good. A bit bizarre for a disney movie, though. lol.
anyway, I have a few more days until the next one, so I am signing off.

Spencer

interim blog

It is not the end of the month but, i felt I would post anyway regarding my current feelings.Anyone can say "oh, I have things on my mind" but it is something different to share these things so others understand where one is. Where to even begin? Let me begin I guess with my impending birthday. Mind you, this B-day is not significant, it is not like I am hitting 40, only 36. That though is not what is bugging me. What is bugging me is the fact that my mother told me she plans to retire next year and go back to NC.She will be 70 at that time. There are several problems I see with this. One, my mother's place is trashed. It Always has been, and I suspect it always will be. My mother is the eternal pack rat, she keeps everything from old magazine articles to old text books to just stuff. All of this would be OK, but she has never, at least that i have known spent any time on anything like it. it seems that she is in denial that all this stuff looms. Now then, I can certainly understand how all this stuff could be daunting, but this is how it has always been, My mother has never really had visitors because she has always been too embarrassed to let anyone in. I swear some times it is like going in to a museum. I just know that when the final day comes, Aylen and I will spend weeks sorting through all of her stuff and throwing it out, because I know she never will. She can't be bothered. Even more immediate, maybe moving her to NC will change her pack-rat-ish ways, but some how i think she will just take her stuff and just move it. Of course, I get to help., who else would? There also comes to a question on if my mother would be happy retired. I think she would find things to do, places to volunteer , etc, but I fear my mom's boredom. She is so active now, would she even know how to act in a slower placed, more rural environment? I feel this is a reasonable question since I do not know of a time anytime in the last 40 years where my mother has not lived in a major area. longer then that truly, since my mother went to nursing school. she graduated in 61 and shortly there after went to Germany. Another question I have is where would she live? would she share a house with Uncle Mack? would that even work? has this even been discussed with him? would that finally break her of saving and collecting everything? and what happens if one of them passes, if uncle mack passes first, would the house go to my mother? or to one of his ungrateful kids? So many questions that do not need to be answered now, but they occur in my head. The next question I have is what the hell am I going to do? Would I stay in Knoxville? would I re locate to a warmer location? Would I finally take the opportunity to get out of Knoxville for good and restart in a new location? would I relocate close to Wilmington? If I did, would I be able to find a job? and if that, one where I was making better or at least the same, cost of living adjusted of course. would I be happier in another location or have I become used to Knoxville? I know that before, that would not have been a question because Aylen was not in the picture, but now, with her with me, I know we could go anywhere and be happy. On the wow front, I have come to the conclusion that running a guild is a necessary evil. Whereas I never wanted any kind of responsibility in a video game, A lot of the time I have been an officer in games. I know that I need the social aspect of it. It is part of who I am, plus I like interacting with people. I have always considered myself to be one of those people that would cross a road to be closer to someone then just continue walking. Some would consider that weird I know, but I have never been one much for being off to myself. That said, I do not do well with BS. I am an easy going person, however I do expect things to be handled a certain way, and if they are not, I get aggravated. I like to think that I expect no more out of people then would I would expect out of myself. If I am going to put trust in someone, they will always be held to that measure. Right or wrong, it is what it is. That leads me to our scatterbrained raid leader. last night, he tried to go in to a raid before our raid and it did not go over very well. 30 min after our raid was supposed to start, I messaged him to see where he was and was told by his add on that they were just on the first set. When he did finally message me back, he asked if we still planned on going or if we were to which I answered no, we canceled it. They then had the cajones to ask if they could get 3 DPS from our guild to finish, when it was our guild that should have been that of concern to begin with. I have no problems with others raiding with different groups, but keep your word. if you are not going to show up fine, but do not ditch our raid to do another one, then do not have the balls to ask if you can have DPS from a group that you were supposed to tend to in the beginning. That was the last thing I said to him last night, and when he came on vent, I logged off of vent and wow. Brenda, our Newest officer did go to their aid, which I do not blame her for, but I knew I was not going to. I even gave up a raid invite to raid with our guild. Perhaps it is too much for Daniel. Maybe we do need to find an alternate raid leader, one that I could trust because I could see how leading raids all the time could be stressful. We did have a new member leave our guild last night without even so much as a screw off. he went to another guild, and I wonder if it had something to do with last Night's raid being canceled? that I am not sure of. Do I have to lead these raids myself? I know I could, with some training and research. Of course, that means at times that I do not get to just raid, but I may be able to do what needs to be done. I definitely need to get the wraps on some things.I know some things frustrate Aylen as well. She got very discouraged last night at the lack of interest in some things. I believe we both need to realize we can't let the will of other ruin our fun. As far as for the alliance (an achievement) I do not even know anyone that could lead that group, and it would have been bad timing anyway. Not everyone is going to like or wish to join things that we wish to do, but that is on them. I suppose anyone that wishes to do fta, would have to do so as a pug.. NP, the alliance outnumber the horde on the server at least here. We both have a problem with taking things to heart. One member of our guild last night almost got kicked because he asked for money in guild to buy a weapon. Begging is something I will not tolerate, because I hate beggars. I bust my ass to get the gold I get, others can do the same. If you can't afford something now, you had better find a way to do without until you can. I will forgive his asking once, if it happens again, he will be asked to leave. We do not need that in our guild. Job wise, I do not suppose the stress is any greater then normal on average. The job just has a tendency to beat people up. Some days I am so emotionally wrecked when i come home from work that it shows through, despite my best efforts. The Hardest days are those when I know I am going far above and beyond when I should even be doing, only to have it go unnoticed or unappreciated. Don't these people see that I am the one trying to help them? to act as a liaison of sorts to try to get their issue resolved? That I actually do care and often times will wear my heart on my sleeve only to have it get broken? That I really do go the distance to make sure things are resolved? *sigh* so often this is truly a thankless job, but it is when I can truly help someone and they realize it is what the pay dirt is for me so to speak. About Aylen. Despite mood swings and depression, Aylen is one of the sweetest girls I have ever met. It is true she can be hard boiled and crass at times, but I believe all of us are like that. I may not always understand her actions, but I do attempt to know reasoning behind her actions. It is crucial in any relationship to communicate, that is why (sometimes begrudgingly) she writes her blog. I have found often times it is easier to write or type something out then it is to openly state something to someone. The point is it works for us, and I am very glad it does. My heart aches when I am not around her. She is after all my love, that is the way it should be. anyway, Those are the thoughts that were on my mind, but in putting them down, like normal, it helps me to see and see what needs to be done. It solidifies things and makes them whole I feel.Until the end of the month,
Spencer

WoW! 9 months

WoW! 9 Months already? The time sure does fly. it does not seem like that long ago
that we were talking again.Never in a million years did I envision this to be like
this. In Many ways, this was a melding of 2 different dreams. 1, the dreams I had as
a young teenager about what I hoped it would be like. in my silly naivety, my dreams
were pretty simple.I wished someone that shared the same things that I liked, had
the same sort of intellect I did, someone i would be attracted to, and someone to be
with me through the ages. The second Part is the culmination of of the both, the
second being as Master. I decided where as I love being a master, I wished an
intelligent girl that would be selfless in her actions and actually love me. someone
I could have feelings for, not just some mindless servant. so thus, the combination
of both.I had began to wonder if such a combination was possible, I am happy to
announce it is *smiles*.The girl never ceases to amaze me. I have a tendency at
times to make obscure references, as well as does she. What amazes me is most of the
time, we both get it. To me, that is quite a rarity. I find my self grinning when I
am away from her and I use an expression she uses without thinking about it. It is
this huge goofy grin that I am sure comes through on the phone, but in many ways it
is good. The reason being is we are supposed to be friendly anyway. When something is
wrong, I find it affects me too! My heart breaks when I have to go back to work. I
know that sounds crazy, but I actually just love being around her. Perhaps that is
why her comments about me getting rid of her disturb me so much. Does she not see to
do so would destroy me too? Hell, I feel lost without her as it is now. I still have
to figure out what the hell I am going to do about that. Hmm Perhaps an Idea. Yahoo!
no, not entirely the same, but it would be the best I could do. I just wish sometimes
I could help her more. Sadly, at times there is only so much I can do. Moving to Wow, I am very happy there too. What guy would not wish the best of both
worlds? I Know I have that, My love plays wow with me. Our guild is currently at 94
people. That number I find truly starling. Now you may wish to ask why I find such a
number startling? this guild was never intended to be anything more then storage. But
now, low and behold, I would dare say we have beginnings of a tight knit raiding
guild. I never foresaw that to ever happen, nor had I ever wished it, but I can
honestly say I like it a lot. It does seem to be a friendly raiding guild, again the
best of both worlds. Funny thing is, with as much as I have learned at caremark, it
has taught me to be even more of a people person then I already was. A strange
feeling, but i would like to think that my passion shines through in my customer
service experience, as well as guild leader. Who knows? perhaps I have charisma?
Anyway, my loves dedication to me has blossomed and is doing well. My birth day has been on my mind lately, and mortality in general, both of my
mother and my own. I will be 36 on the 27th, and my mother just turned 69. Oddly
enough, even though I would consider my mother as old next year, I do not truly.
Maybe because when I was growing up, old people acted old. They were not spry or
active. My mother is bad at remembering her age.. I blame what she calls as "early
onset Alzheimer's" lol. She is wonderful, sadly though, I know I will lose her in
the next 30 years.. a long time, but then all I will have is my love. The family line
ends with me. That said, by the time I get old enough to pass, they will have the
technology to regress the body. Maybe we could live forever! lol as long as I have my aylen, I will be ok :)

Until next time,


Nyy

A discussion with a "friend"

As Aylen mentioned in her blog, we had a gentleman in our guild that was supposed to be a friend. That said, I would never `treat a friend like that. As Aylen did, I shall call him can. he was a guild officer, and one I thought I could trust. One thing I have always been big on was keeping my word. Mind you I am human and I do make mistakes, but in positions of high standing, I expect the same quality out of my officers as I would expect from my self. He stated I was just too intense. Perhaps it is true , I am intense. However, I choose to call it passionate. it is not just wow that am passionate about though, it is life in general. I feel it is the only way to live life. Life without passion is only existence.One has to care to truly live. He stated he thought I was being too harsh. Is it harsh to hold my officers to the light I hold myself? perhaps, but with that, if I can not do so, what is the point in having them officers to begin with?

On a different wow front, I am very close to getting the number 1 belt in my class for my character. That would very possibly change my numbers up a bit *grins*. That is something I am glad for. In what seems like a never ending quest for better and better gear, admittedly I sometimes get discouraged.I suppose this is part of the plan, and I also know that my damage per second is "OK" for a regular dungeon, and yes, I know I do better on bosses, but it is discouraging to see my numbers low, especially since I know I can do better. Though the true tests come with raid buffs and bigger bosses, it is discouraging at times.

Also , I did come off of my weekend with Aylen. I decided to play hooky because, quite frankly, I did not trust the roads. The time was way too short, but it seems like that is always the case. we watched 4 movies. All were ones I enjoyed. some would consider them children's movies, but I like to be entertained in a lightened way, most of the time. Great movies are awesome, especially when one can share them with loved ones!

Work wise, I decided I really needed those days off. I just found out about a negative review I got because of this one call in particular. I always think the guy that grades me is a bit too harsh on me. Maybe I am just biased.Perhaps he is biased. The sad thing is, I can't really argue with him on his points because... dare I say it? he is right. I just wish he did not have to be so mean spirited about things though. This really rocks me when I know I messed up and he is right. Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong.

Now then the most important part. That is of my Aylen. Without sounding too cliched, My home life is perfect. I suppose perfect is all in one's definition thereof, but this is how I see it. I have a bright girl, who is silly at times, very loving, caring and compassionate. We share many of the same interests, and whereas she may not share all of my interests, she is certainly willing to humor me. Sometimes this is to her detriment, other times to her advantage. I have exposed to all sorts of things, some of which I doubt she would have been ever exposed to without me. Unlike anyone else, I actually genuinely feel that she has my best interests at heart. It is a foreign concept to me. All this, and I not only find her attractive but I can tell she loves me as I love her. She did make a comment to me earlier to the effect that she did not think she told me enough. I responded , much the same way she did to me once upon a time. You see? I feel love in every soft kiss, every caress, every time she holds me and does not wish for me to leave her(God and goddess know how I hate to do so). It is hard for me to explain I suppose, how deep the love goes, but it is undoubtedly there, in every gaze that we gaze upon each other. So, in Conclusion, after 7 months, everything is still as I had hoped for, but only in my dreams was it a reality. *smiles*
LN

Yes This is a day or 2 late, but this time, I have good reasons. In regards to Jan 15Th, 2010, yes it is the anniversary of when Aylen became mine, but it is also another anniversary. It is The anniversary of my Father's death. My Father Died Jan 15Th, 1993. If you recall, I have written of it before. Prior to the day, I called my mother to see if she had any plans and she was working at a silent auction, but we were still able to talk and hang out, and discuss of course, my father.I can say there was not much new that I learned, except for when my father was so drunk that he passed out in front of his troops in Greece. We shared a pizza, and had soup as well at the soup benefit (part of the silent auction).All and all, not too bad of a day considering my past Jan 15Ths. I am hoping they will get better and that my karma string there is finally broken. My mother did again mention that "we need to go to Germany". Admittedly, I was not crazy about the idea at first. But , I decided to do so. Another discussion we had was over my mother's remains, when she cross the bar. The topic of death is never a conversation any child likes to have with their parents, especially if they are close, but it is one that is important.My mother stated that she wished to be cremated,which is no shock, but when I asked about the ashes, she told me that I could keep them with me.I exclaimed "ewww., Mom!, that is a rather morbid thought!" Of course it was. I will admit to finding that thought a bit creepy, though I know it is done frequently. After talking with Aylen, she Made me realize that was not such a bad idea after all. That is one of the things I love about Aylen, she is a very bright girl. She is so much to me, so much more then the rest of the world sees. To me, that is fine, I rather enjoy having her all to myself.We Watched several movies over my days off, that being sweeney todd, and marley and me. both were excellent, but Sweeney todd was as bizarre as any movie I would expect to see from Tim Burton. That said, according to the research I have done on it, it was a weird story before he got a hold of it. Perhaps he just brought it to it's full brilliance.Marley and me was a relatively sad story, despite the fact it was supposed to be a family movie. Simply Put, a story of a couple and their dog. In the World of Warcraft, we Lost a guildie to another guild, which I later learned was headed by one of our former guild members. To say I felt betrayed by her lie would be an understatement. That said, I let her have it, and believe it or not, I feel much better now. The cathartic effect on me surprised me a bit. Though, perhaps not so much, I did not care for her anyway. Aylen is doing Very well in wow, despite being frustrated, and I have begun to lash back as well, though not at her. The groups she needs to get in to ask for something called an achievement as proof she has been there before and completed it. That is all very good and well, but i see a problem with that. If you run with a fail group, you won't get it no matter how non-fail you may be. You are in essence penalized for the people you run with. Hopefully this will change with the both of us soon enough.
Until next time,
Spencer

Rebuttals

Upon reading Aylen's blog most recently, I felt the urge to offer a rebuttal to the things said in it.

here it is in it's entirety, but separated for my rebuttal

*A*Recently, I was uncollared. I loved being "normal". He did not. There are pieces of me which hate the collar on my neck. I do not need it there for me to know where my place is with Him. Though I do fear His lack of happiness without it on my neck will make Him tire of me.

*S* It is not that I would tire you my girl, it is rather unsettling to me. To me, it comes across as non clearly defined roles. If you are free, where are the lines drawn? what should be allowed and what should not be? Another question I have is if you are not my "slave" does that mean that I am really that bad as a Master that I am a tyrant?

*A* I get tired of trying to figure out how to explain. It is something I see, it is something I fear. I know He loves me. He knows I love Him. However I think in everything, He will truly only love someone who is His slave. Nothing more, nothing less. I think He loves the title of Master, an empowerment in a word.

*S* I do love the title of Master, it is what I am.It excites me, empowers me, and makes feel responsible all wrapped in to one. That should show you there. I do truly love my girl. But i love you not because you are mine, but because you are you, and I would have it no other way. You are so special and close to my heart in ways you may not even realize. I try to show you how special you are often as I can, but I wonder sometimes if you see it that way, or if you see it as "just a Master enjoying his girl".

*A*I miss being able to call the one I love by their real name, not a title. I do not suppose He sees that or can even realize it. There are time I want to just be us, not Master and slave. In the long run though it matters not what I feel and wish. His happiness and His desires are all that will ever truly matter.

*S* As far as this goes, there is evidence in the Gorean novels of such. In book 3 as you may remember (though you were bored, lol) Vika asks,and Tarl addresses this very thing. I do Agree myself, it is pleasurable to hear one's name on the lips of a beautiful girl (slave or not). All this said, I believe in our relationship we have certainly established the balance of power, so you may call me Spencer without me getting upset and at your discretion. It was never really and truly an issue, but before you do so, I wish you to ask me officially. This is to be a blanket permission and you need not ask me again. Once will suffice :)

*A* I finally figured out how to explain the "I feel like property only." Like I said we love one another. I feel that while I love Him no matter His "name" He can only love what is "His". If I am not "his" with a collar locked upon my neck, a symbol I am his however he pleases, I am nothing and he is unhappy, fearful even. I want to feel as if no matter my status he still loves me, needs me, wants me, and desires me. Many times I feel he really only desires me if I am in PVC his fetish.

*S* This goes back to an earlier part. Having the collar around your neck is more to me then just a symbol that you are mine. Maybe this will help explain to you what it means to me and why i was so bothered when you removed it. To me, as well as to many Goreans on earth that I have observed, your collar represents a promise to me. In many ways, I consider it tantamount to a wedding ring. Though we are not married, it is how I feel. It represents all the promises we would typically make in a normal relationship, those of love, fidelity, and non abuse. When you asked me to remove your collar, as silly as it sounds, it felt as if you were taking off your wedding band. When I was married, my wedding band came off once. That was on Christmas eve when my wife announced to me that she was lusting after another guy. She had gone to spend time with a pregnant friend in Clarksville, TN. she was supposed to have come back the week before Christmas, but as that week progressed, I had not heard from her, nor did i have a way of reaching her. My mother happened at that point to bring me her phone bill where there were calls to Clarksville dating back a few months. I took a chance and called the number, and got a hold of her. She sounded extremely indignant, and came back that eve. That was Christmas eve, and I was so angry I hurled her present across the street. my wedding ring flew off , and I was never able to locate it. that was the last time I ever wore one. To address the PVC fetish, I desire you always, but PVC really drives my libido. There is something about the feeling, blah blah blah, you know the routine. When you wear it, it is you I desire. I do find it very sexy. Here is one thing I never understood. If someone knows that something turns their mate on, and that is the desired effect, what is the harm in dressing to that desire? It makes you no less desirable when you are not wearing it, and you are still loved for who you are, and the fact that it is you inside, but it does enhance feelings and emotions. If you remember back in the days of IMVU, I loved to see you in PVC and latex because I liked the way it looked. it was not just the material, but what was inside the outfit. It is no different now, as I see it. Even if you were not in your status, I still like seeing it.. I have been attracted to such since about 83 or there abouts.. I did not know how or why then though. lol.

*A* I do not know how to fix these things. I wish I did. I would give anything for a solution we could both live with eternally. Until then I am just a silly slave girl who fears becoming complacent to not displease her Master, wishing she could just have a dominant love of her life.

*S* Perhaps what we needed is a bit of communication, and for you to understand why I feel some of the ways I feel. We both know that should you truly desire to, you are not physically bound. though I know your heart is, your body is not. Some things I feel may be discussed.

*A* And yes, I know I agreed to these terms. It does not mean I have to like them all the time. It is kind of the difference between these two sentences in my mind. "Please fuck your little slut Master." and "Make love with me (insert name here)." One is sexy to one person and not always to another. There has got to be a way that we can both be happy.

*S* Yes you did, and I know you do not always care for the conditions. That said, I am not always in the mood for roughness either. I believe, over time I have demonstrated such. I know you have things that you deem as sexy as well,and I believe as i have always believed there is a time for softness and caring and a time for a more guttural , animalistic feel.

*A* Yes, I gave Him back my neck to collar. I sacrificed my thoughts for His happiness. In servitude there is no "I" "Me" "My". He is all that will ever truly matter. His wants, wishes, desires, and happiness will always override mine. It is as it is written to be.

*S* Whereas this is true, it is not how I view it. Of course there are times when I am selfish, just as you are, but I try to be mindful of the situations at hand. Take for instance if you are not feeling well. I am Usually considerate of such and do silly things like make sure you are OK, even if you are laying down, I go in and watch you to see how you sleep, make sure your hair is out of your face, and even tuck you in. If I too am tired, I will often times lie next to you and hold you just to make sure you are OK. It is the role of protector within me. The one that would defend his love with his life and if she is ill, make sure she gets better. All this not because an ill girl can not serve me well(though I think that thought may have crossed your mind at times) but because there is a very deep seeded love I feel for you because you are my love. I feel there is happiness on both sides, though not exactly as you may wish it all the time.


Spencer

Feelings on the 6th month.

It has been 6 months since my Aylen arrived here, and he time has flown by. For me, it is a long time in a relationship however not so much for my girl. She has been in several that were much longer. I know she still has many fears, and it breaks my heart to end to think that she still fears the worst. OK, she says she fears she will grow complacent. That said, there has got to be a level when she can stop living in fear and just be happy. I know she has it in her. My love unfortunately does battle depression. At times, it can be hard, but it is something i am willing work through because I love her. Sometimes I wonder if she sees this drive in me and thinks I am just doing it to prove a point. Whereas she may not know for sure, I sure do. We are all products of our pasts and the experiences that we go through. I think deep down she still expects me to be like everyone else. I also think sometimes she tries to defeat herself. All this though, I truly do not know. I know I do not know everything, I just wish often times I could bring her out of her depression.

A few days ago I came to another realization. I am not a person that likes to be wrong, I know of no one that truly does. The discussion we ended up having was over something simple enough, however, we both seemed to know what was going on, and they did not match up. She heard something being said, and saw what I knew to be a different case. We may have both been right, as there was supporting evidence on both sides. The thought occurred to me, OK so if I am totally right, what useful purpose does it serve? the answer is none, really. Perhaps this is a character flaw in me, or it is part of my passion, but if I feel that I am right about something, I will bite in to it and won't let it go until I show that I am right. I think it goes to my past when i was accused of being wrong a lot by my father. I felt that for my father not to believe me, was a challenge to my credidiblity. This situation infuriated me to no end. right or wrong, most of the time I feel as if it is a challenge to my being. That was part of my past. However, I do not wish it to be the future. I see now that in the grand scheme of things, it truly does not matter, and not worth the heartache that it could cause between us.

*sighs* I guess what I am really trying to say is that for the first time in my life, I feel like I have found the right one, and that there is nothing we can't get through together. I actually do look forward to many years with her. I never thought there would be anyone like that. All we can do is take it day by day. Love is funny like that at times.
I love you, My Aylen,
Master.