A discussion with a "friend"

As Aylen mentioned in her blog, we had a gentleman in our guild that was supposed to be a friend. That said, I would never `treat a friend like that. As Aylen did, I shall call him can. he was a guild officer, and one I thought I could trust. One thing I have always been big on was keeping my word. Mind you I am human and I do make mistakes, but in positions of high standing, I expect the same quality out of my officers as I would expect from my self. He stated I was just too intense. Perhaps it is true , I am intense. However, I choose to call it passionate. it is not just wow that am passionate about though, it is life in general. I feel it is the only way to live life. Life without passion is only existence.One has to care to truly live. He stated he thought I was being too harsh. Is it harsh to hold my officers to the light I hold myself? perhaps, but with that, if I can not do so, what is the point in having them officers to begin with?

On a different wow front, I am very close to getting the number 1 belt in my class for my character. That would very possibly change my numbers up a bit *grins*. That is something I am glad for. In what seems like a never ending quest for better and better gear, admittedly I sometimes get discouraged.I suppose this is part of the plan, and I also know that my damage per second is "OK" for a regular dungeon, and yes, I know I do better on bosses, but it is discouraging to see my numbers low, especially since I know I can do better. Though the true tests come with raid buffs and bigger bosses, it is discouraging at times.

Also , I did come off of my weekend with Aylen. I decided to play hooky because, quite frankly, I did not trust the roads. The time was way too short, but it seems like that is always the case. we watched 4 movies. All were ones I enjoyed. some would consider them children's movies, but I like to be entertained in a lightened way, most of the time. Great movies are awesome, especially when one can share them with loved ones!

Work wise, I decided I really needed those days off. I just found out about a negative review I got because of this one call in particular. I always think the guy that grades me is a bit too harsh on me. Maybe I am just biased.Perhaps he is biased. The sad thing is, I can't really argue with him on his points because... dare I say it? he is right. I just wish he did not have to be so mean spirited about things though. This really rocks me when I know I messed up and he is right. Perhaps I am looking at it all wrong.

Now then the most important part. That is of my Aylen. Without sounding too cliched, My home life is perfect. I suppose perfect is all in one's definition thereof, but this is how I see it. I have a bright girl, who is silly at times, very loving, caring and compassionate. We share many of the same interests, and whereas she may not share all of my interests, she is certainly willing to humor me. Sometimes this is to her detriment, other times to her advantage. I have exposed to all sorts of things, some of which I doubt she would have been ever exposed to without me. Unlike anyone else, I actually genuinely feel that she has my best interests at heart. It is a foreign concept to me. All this, and I not only find her attractive but I can tell she loves me as I love her. She did make a comment to me earlier to the effect that she did not think she told me enough. I responded , much the same way she did to me once upon a time. You see? I feel love in every soft kiss, every caress, every time she holds me and does not wish for me to leave her(God and goddess know how I hate to do so). It is hard for me to explain I suppose, how deep the love goes, but it is undoubtedly there, in every gaze that we gaze upon each other. So, in Conclusion, after 7 months, everything is still as I had hoped for, but only in my dreams was it a reality. *smiles*
LN

Yes This is a day or 2 late, but this time, I have good reasons. In regards to Jan 15Th, 2010, yes it is the anniversary of when Aylen became mine, but it is also another anniversary. It is The anniversary of my Father's death. My Father Died Jan 15Th, 1993. If you recall, I have written of it before. Prior to the day, I called my mother to see if she had any plans and she was working at a silent auction, but we were still able to talk and hang out, and discuss of course, my father.I can say there was not much new that I learned, except for when my father was so drunk that he passed out in front of his troops in Greece. We shared a pizza, and had soup as well at the soup benefit (part of the silent auction).All and all, not too bad of a day considering my past Jan 15Ths. I am hoping they will get better and that my karma string there is finally broken. My mother did again mention that "we need to go to Germany". Admittedly, I was not crazy about the idea at first. But , I decided to do so. Another discussion we had was over my mother's remains, when she cross the bar. The topic of death is never a conversation any child likes to have with their parents, especially if they are close, but it is one that is important.My mother stated that she wished to be cremated,which is no shock, but when I asked about the ashes, she told me that I could keep them with me.I exclaimed "ewww., Mom!, that is a rather morbid thought!" Of course it was. I will admit to finding that thought a bit creepy, though I know it is done frequently. After talking with Aylen, she Made me realize that was not such a bad idea after all. That is one of the things I love about Aylen, she is a very bright girl. She is so much to me, so much more then the rest of the world sees. To me, that is fine, I rather enjoy having her all to myself.We Watched several movies over my days off, that being sweeney todd, and marley and me. both were excellent, but Sweeney todd was as bizarre as any movie I would expect to see from Tim Burton. That said, according to the research I have done on it, it was a weird story before he got a hold of it. Perhaps he just brought it to it's full brilliance.Marley and me was a relatively sad story, despite the fact it was supposed to be a family movie. Simply Put, a story of a couple and their dog. In the World of Warcraft, we Lost a guildie to another guild, which I later learned was headed by one of our former guild members. To say I felt betrayed by her lie would be an understatement. That said, I let her have it, and believe it or not, I feel much better now. The cathartic effect on me surprised me a bit. Though, perhaps not so much, I did not care for her anyway. Aylen is doing Very well in wow, despite being frustrated, and I have begun to lash back as well, though not at her. The groups she needs to get in to ask for something called an achievement as proof she has been there before and completed it. That is all very good and well, but i see a problem with that. If you run with a fail group, you won't get it no matter how non-fail you may be. You are in essence penalized for the people you run with. Hopefully this will change with the both of us soon enough.
Until next time,
Spencer

Rebuttals

Upon reading Aylen's blog most recently, I felt the urge to offer a rebuttal to the things said in it.

here it is in it's entirety, but separated for my rebuttal

*A*Recently, I was uncollared. I loved being "normal". He did not. There are pieces of me which hate the collar on my neck. I do not need it there for me to know where my place is with Him. Though I do fear His lack of happiness without it on my neck will make Him tire of me.

*S* It is not that I would tire you my girl, it is rather unsettling to me. To me, it comes across as non clearly defined roles. If you are free, where are the lines drawn? what should be allowed and what should not be? Another question I have is if you are not my "slave" does that mean that I am really that bad as a Master that I am a tyrant?

*A* I get tired of trying to figure out how to explain. It is something I see, it is something I fear. I know He loves me. He knows I love Him. However I think in everything, He will truly only love someone who is His slave. Nothing more, nothing less. I think He loves the title of Master, an empowerment in a word.

*S* I do love the title of Master, it is what I am.It excites me, empowers me, and makes feel responsible all wrapped in to one. That should show you there. I do truly love my girl. But i love you not because you are mine, but because you are you, and I would have it no other way. You are so special and close to my heart in ways you may not even realize. I try to show you how special you are often as I can, but I wonder sometimes if you see it that way, or if you see it as "just a Master enjoying his girl".

*A*I miss being able to call the one I love by their real name, not a title. I do not suppose He sees that or can even realize it. There are time I want to just be us, not Master and slave. In the long run though it matters not what I feel and wish. His happiness and His desires are all that will ever truly matter.

*S* As far as this goes, there is evidence in the Gorean novels of such. In book 3 as you may remember (though you were bored, lol) Vika asks,and Tarl addresses this very thing. I do Agree myself, it is pleasurable to hear one's name on the lips of a beautiful girl (slave or not). All this said, I believe in our relationship we have certainly established the balance of power, so you may call me Spencer without me getting upset and at your discretion. It was never really and truly an issue, but before you do so, I wish you to ask me officially. This is to be a blanket permission and you need not ask me again. Once will suffice :)

*A* I finally figured out how to explain the "I feel like property only." Like I said we love one another. I feel that while I love Him no matter His "name" He can only love what is "His". If I am not "his" with a collar locked upon my neck, a symbol I am his however he pleases, I am nothing and he is unhappy, fearful even. I want to feel as if no matter my status he still loves me, needs me, wants me, and desires me. Many times I feel he really only desires me if I am in PVC his fetish.

*S* This goes back to an earlier part. Having the collar around your neck is more to me then just a symbol that you are mine. Maybe this will help explain to you what it means to me and why i was so bothered when you removed it. To me, as well as to many Goreans on earth that I have observed, your collar represents a promise to me. In many ways, I consider it tantamount to a wedding ring. Though we are not married, it is how I feel. It represents all the promises we would typically make in a normal relationship, those of love, fidelity, and non abuse. When you asked me to remove your collar, as silly as it sounds, it felt as if you were taking off your wedding band. When I was married, my wedding band came off once. That was on Christmas eve when my wife announced to me that she was lusting after another guy. She had gone to spend time with a pregnant friend in Clarksville, TN. she was supposed to have come back the week before Christmas, but as that week progressed, I had not heard from her, nor did i have a way of reaching her. My mother happened at that point to bring me her phone bill where there were calls to Clarksville dating back a few months. I took a chance and called the number, and got a hold of her. She sounded extremely indignant, and came back that eve. That was Christmas eve, and I was so angry I hurled her present across the street. my wedding ring flew off , and I was never able to locate it. that was the last time I ever wore one. To address the PVC fetish, I desire you always, but PVC really drives my libido. There is something about the feeling, blah blah blah, you know the routine. When you wear it, it is you I desire. I do find it very sexy. Here is one thing I never understood. If someone knows that something turns their mate on, and that is the desired effect, what is the harm in dressing to that desire? It makes you no less desirable when you are not wearing it, and you are still loved for who you are, and the fact that it is you inside, but it does enhance feelings and emotions. If you remember back in the days of IMVU, I loved to see you in PVC and latex because I liked the way it looked. it was not just the material, but what was inside the outfit. It is no different now, as I see it. Even if you were not in your status, I still like seeing it.. I have been attracted to such since about 83 or there abouts.. I did not know how or why then though. lol.

*A* I do not know how to fix these things. I wish I did. I would give anything for a solution we could both live with eternally. Until then I am just a silly slave girl who fears becoming complacent to not displease her Master, wishing she could just have a dominant love of her life.

*S* Perhaps what we needed is a bit of communication, and for you to understand why I feel some of the ways I feel. We both know that should you truly desire to, you are not physically bound. though I know your heart is, your body is not. Some things I feel may be discussed.

*A* And yes, I know I agreed to these terms. It does not mean I have to like them all the time. It is kind of the difference between these two sentences in my mind. "Please fuck your little slut Master." and "Make love with me (insert name here)." One is sexy to one person and not always to another. There has got to be a way that we can both be happy.

*S* Yes you did, and I know you do not always care for the conditions. That said, I am not always in the mood for roughness either. I believe, over time I have demonstrated such. I know you have things that you deem as sexy as well,and I believe as i have always believed there is a time for softness and caring and a time for a more guttural , animalistic feel.

*A* Yes, I gave Him back my neck to collar. I sacrificed my thoughts for His happiness. In servitude there is no "I" "Me" "My". He is all that will ever truly matter. His wants, wishes, desires, and happiness will always override mine. It is as it is written to be.

*S* Whereas this is true, it is not how I view it. Of course there are times when I am selfish, just as you are, but I try to be mindful of the situations at hand. Take for instance if you are not feeling well. I am Usually considerate of such and do silly things like make sure you are OK, even if you are laying down, I go in and watch you to see how you sleep, make sure your hair is out of your face, and even tuck you in. If I too am tired, I will often times lie next to you and hold you just to make sure you are OK. It is the role of protector within me. The one that would defend his love with his life and if she is ill, make sure she gets better. All this not because an ill girl can not serve me well(though I think that thought may have crossed your mind at times) but because there is a very deep seeded love I feel for you because you are my love. I feel there is happiness on both sides, though not exactly as you may wish it all the time.


Spencer

Feelings on the 6th month.

It has been 6 months since my Aylen arrived here, and he time has flown by. For me, it is a long time in a relationship however not so much for my girl. She has been in several that were much longer. I know she still has many fears, and it breaks my heart to end to think that she still fears the worst. OK, she says she fears she will grow complacent. That said, there has got to be a level when she can stop living in fear and just be happy. I know she has it in her. My love unfortunately does battle depression. At times, it can be hard, but it is something i am willing work through because I love her. Sometimes I wonder if she sees this drive in me and thinks I am just doing it to prove a point. Whereas she may not know for sure, I sure do. We are all products of our pasts and the experiences that we go through. I think deep down she still expects me to be like everyone else. I also think sometimes she tries to defeat herself. All this though, I truly do not know. I know I do not know everything, I just wish often times I could bring her out of her depression.

A few days ago I came to another realization. I am not a person that likes to be wrong, I know of no one that truly does. The discussion we ended up having was over something simple enough, however, we both seemed to know what was going on, and they did not match up. She heard something being said, and saw what I knew to be a different case. We may have both been right, as there was supporting evidence on both sides. The thought occurred to me, OK so if I am totally right, what useful purpose does it serve? the answer is none, really. Perhaps this is a character flaw in me, or it is part of my passion, but if I feel that I am right about something, I will bite in to it and won't let it go until I show that I am right. I think it goes to my past when i was accused of being wrong a lot by my father. I felt that for my father not to believe me, was a challenge to my credidiblity. This situation infuriated me to no end. right or wrong, most of the time I feel as if it is a challenge to my being. That was part of my past. However, I do not wish it to be the future. I see now that in the grand scheme of things, it truly does not matter, and not worth the heartache that it could cause between us.

*sighs* I guess what I am really trying to say is that for the first time in my life, I feel like I have found the right one, and that there is nothing we can't get through together. I actually do look forward to many years with her. I never thought there would be anyone like that. All we can do is take it day by day. Love is funny like that at times.
I love you, My Aylen,
Master.